There are thirteen cellphone stores in the mall by my house. I counted. Each one uses slightly different combinations of primary colors in their logos. What I have to say here could apply to any of them, and I’m not going to name names. None of them are typically busy either, so I find this confounding.My phone company has been trying for several years to get me to upgrade my cellphone. Recently they’ve taken to mailing me pamphlets every two or three days, and calling or SMSing me weekly. Ignoring for a second the cynical thought that the phone company just wants to lock me in for another three year contract – I have actually tried to upgrade on numerous occasions over the past few years.

A quick explanatory aside: For those who don’t know me, my phone is (rather famously) a 6 or 7 year old, early-model smartphone (a “brick”), with slide out keyboard. It isn’t as large as the one in Wall Street, but it shows its age. If you drop it on your foot, you’ll be the one saying ouch.

The product line-up in the identical phone stores in this mall, typically consists of iPhones (which I don’t want for a lengthy list of reasons that I’m not going to discuss here), and a bunch of other identical-looking phones that are sold based on feature lists that don’t mean squat to me, and furthermore cannot be compared in an apples-to-apples way.

I’ve tried asking staff (on the rare occasions that I can get their attention) regarding which phones are “good”, and the responses typically have ranged from “I don’t know” to “they’re all the same” to an expressive shrug and a mumble that I couldn’t decypher. Looking at reviews online didn’t help either.

The situation is also compounded by daily stories on Slashdot that reveal the latest cellphone malware, or spyware deliberately installed by phone companies. Add in the financial instability of several phone makes, and this makes it difficult for me to know which types of cellphones are actually safe to buy.

Another aside: I’m not a difficult customer. Really. I’ve sold a lot of technology myself over the years. I’m decisive. I don’t ask much from the reps. Here’s the thing though: I don’t want to be treated like a (smelly) side of meat, and I also want to know what it is that I’m being asked to buy. I want to know that it doesn’t, for want of a better word, suck.

My take:

• Phone manufacturers (and carriers, and stores) need to stop the idiotic habit of “selling on features”. The computer industry realized this decades ago. I have absolutely no interest in comparing the clock-rates of two completely different phone chip architectures. Its completely irrelevant. Explain to me why this phone is good for me, why it has the best talking time in the industry, or the best warranty or whatever – or I’m walking.
• They also need to train their staff (and supervise them) better. I’m not going to buy from somebody who won’t give me the time of day or who can’t explain their product. Incidentally I’ve had that happen in car dealerships too – I was seriously considering a brand, and would have made a purchase on the spot, but the staff looked me up and down as if I was dressed in rags, and then ignored me – so I walked out and bought a different car elsewhere.
• Oh, and the stores themselves seriously need to differentiate themselves.

Until I can actually tell what it is that I’m buying, and have some confidence that it isn’t going to (literally) bite me, I’m going to stick to my old brick with its half-hour talk time.

Done grouching (for now).

We moved a few days ago into our new offices, which we are sharing with CO4 Computing. Last week we had an (unnamed) internet DSL company put in a connection. We tested it on Sunday, and it was working perfectly.

By the time we actually moved in, it had stopped working. It turns out that the unnamed internet service provider above actually uses phone lines (in this case something called a dry loop, which is basically a phone line without a phone number attached to it) that they lease from [insert big phone company name here]. Some technician at the [big phone company] had decided that there was something wrong with the dry loop, and had randomly disconnected it (without – I might add – letting the DSL company know).

At the point in writing, we’ve been trying to get the DSL company to fix our internet connection for three days. The problem, of course, is that they are totally reliant on the phone company’s technicians in order to do this. The phone company won’t tell them what they are doing to resolve the problem, and furthermore won’t let them know a timeframe either.

In the meantime, I’m being stonewalled by the DSL company as well.

We also looked into going directly to the phone company (unfortunately they’re the only ones who have lines going into this building) in order to get internet service from them. Apparently there’s a two week delay before they can install it. That’s minimum two weeks, not an absolute timeline.

For home internet, I can get a technician at my door within two to three hours. For business though, getting a new internet connection takes two weeks, and fixing a broken connection can take days. I’m puzzled as to why anybody puts up with this.

You can talk to it here: www.mycybertwin.com/jeremylichtman.

It isn’t well trained yet though, so don’t expect too much.

Their more sophisticed commercial level AIs are pretty good at holding down the fort while all of the sales people are busy. Its an interesting idea. Takes a lot of work to train them though.

The following is an (unfortunately all too typical) example of lousy customer service. I’m not sure how this “service” company stays in business.

I tried calling them this morning. Got their voicemail. Wandered from box to box for 15 minutes before getting somebody who had no interest in talking to me. I had to ask him whether I should come by. They wouldn’t commit. I decided to try anyway.

I drive to their shop, and there is nobody at the counter. Some guy with long hair walks out of the washroom, looks at me like I’m a martian, and then walks away back into the warehouse without saying anything.

There’s a bell on the counter with a note that says “please ring for service”.

I bang on the bell a few times, and eventually a manager comes out of their office.

Me: I have a laptop that needs servicing. Toshiba told me to come here.

Manager: “Sorry the technician is out”.

Me: Well what am I supposed to do?

Manager: “I don’t know.”

Me: Should I come back later?

Manager: “I don’t know.”

Me: Well I’d like to get my laptop looked at…

Manager:  “I don’t know, why don’t you leave the laptop here?”.

Uh…so that you can lose it?

Me (stalling): “Well its probably the AC adapter”

Manager: “We would have to order that in, we don’t stock those”

Me: “Well somebody should probably look at it first, just in case it is something else”

Manager: “Well you could come by later and see if the technician is in”

Me: “You don’t know if they will be in?”

Manager: “No”

(Note: it is about two hours before they close, and I reside half an hour away from them)

I leave. Try calling again later. Finally get through the voicemail to the tech support extension. Nobody picks up, and the voicemail is full. I dial zero. Finally get somebody (they don’t identify themselves).

Me: “I’m trying to get through to the tech support people and nobody is picking up, and their voicemail is full…”

Somebody: “Oh. Well they’re there. I’ll go and make sure that they pick up. Hang on.”

On hold. Five minutes pass.

Somebody (I assume a technician) picks up. Their English is heavily accented. I don’t hold that against them. They don’t sound like they want to be talking to anyone. I do hold that against them.

Me: “I was here earlier today and the technician was out. I need to get a laptop looked at.”

Technician: “Oh.”

Me: “Well how should I go about this?”

Technician: “I don’t know”

Me: “Do I bring it in tomorrow?”

Technician: “I don’t know”

Me: “Well will somebody be in?”

Technician: “I don’t know”

Me: “So how do I get the laptop serviced?”

Technician: “I don’t know. Maybe bring it in?”

Me: “Is there a standard way that you work? How do I go about getting a laptop serviced?”

Technician: “I don’t know. Bye.”

They hang up.

I’m not sure whether these people actually want the business of servicing the laptop or not. I’m not sure whether they even service laptops. I don’t know how to go about getting their service or their attention. I don’t know how to get in touch with anyone there. I don’t know what their standard procedure is. I truly don’t know how they stay in business.